I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
