Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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