You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
