Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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