Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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