I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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