So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
