my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
