you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
3 2 1 whiskey
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
