On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just had sex bonerless
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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