i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Let's paint friendship bongs
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
