Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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