apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
