Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
