I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
