youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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