i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
