There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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