I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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