it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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