And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
