She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Vodka?
Forever.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
