Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
