Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
