you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
