it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Randomize
