PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
