His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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