So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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