My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
