All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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