You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
