I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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