I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
