I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
