dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
