watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I love having hate sex.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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