just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
