im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
