I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
