He uses pillows to masturbate.
so let's talk penis.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he was CRYING into my vagina
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
