I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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