i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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