Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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