I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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