I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
