You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
