i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
