The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
