Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
