Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
